Im on the road again

Hey Readers,

I've pasted my latest column below this note.

I thought you'd like to know that I'm on the road again and coming to Staunton VA. this weekend.

On Sunday at 11 a.m., I 'll be speaking at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Waynesboro. 565 Pine Avenue
Waynesboro, (540) 942-5507

But the big event will be at Mary Baldwin's Miller Chapel Monday night at 7pm where I'll be sharing my experiences from Iraq. Please forward this information if you can.

If you'd like host me in your area, please let me know.

Blessings,

Norris


I recently found myself wondering what it might be like to get an e-mail from the devil.

This bizarre thought came to me after my recent study of C.S. Lewis' classic satire, "The Screwtape Letters." The book is a series of letters from a fictitious demon named Screwtape who coaches his nephew Wormwood on how to harass new Christians.

Thus, Lewis' book became the genesis of the following satirical e-mail addressed to me from a conjured colleague I've named, "The Devil's Chaplain."

My dear fellow Chaplain,

I hope you aren't too alarmed by getting this e-mail from Hell Corp. Please, let me assure you that we're not all bad down here. We even believe in God. As your scripture teaches, "Even the Devil and his angels believe in God and tremble."

Of course "tremble" is a bit overstated, let's just say we have a healthy respect for our opponent.

I'm also aware that your scripture says the struggle of faith ". . . isn't against flesh and blood . . . but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." In that regard, you are a worthy adversary.

However, I think we can make our competition a bit more interesting if you'll consider our devilishly detailed suggestions below.

First, we'd like to see you give a stronger emphasis in your columns on the exclusivity of heaven accompanied by a reminder that most people are coming to us. Our theory is that most "believers" will be more excited about heaven when they know that the people they despise are, well, let's just say downwardly mobile.

Along those same lines, we find your efforts to help people understand other faiths commendable. But, have you considered how your numbers might increase if you'll egg on religious debate and force people to choose sides? Besides, perhaps more arguments would encourage wars that will lead to our anticipated victory at Armageddon.

Don't get me wrong, you should still encourage everyone to find a place of worship. God needs your stained-glass houses to feel your support. However, the stories you write about finding God in the workplace or on the beach or during a fishing trip trouble us a bit. Our thinking is that God gets a little cranky when folks disturb him beyond his Sunday office hours.

Second, speaking of disturbing God, your columns often promote prayer. Don't you think God's a little busy to hear from everyone? Prayer isn't such a big deal; it's just a conversation with God. Even my boss has talked to God a few times. But to be candid, if prayer was so important, don't you think everyone would be doing it? They're not. I know.

Of course you and I both know prayers are often answered through the help of another. But honestly, shouldn't the care of hurt people be left to professionals like you? After all, you're the one with the title and the degrees. The wounded need their privacy. Amateur helpers ought to keep their distance.

Finally, I've noticed that as the elections approach, you encourage people to vote for competency instead of the candidates' religious beliefs. That's nice, but perhaps if you'd persuade voters to restrict their support to candidates of their religious commonality, we could keep hate alive. After all, isn't it the hate that keeps the two of us employed? Job security, my friend -- that's what it's all about.

Yours truly and spitefully, The Devil's Chaplain

Note: While I've had a few reader e-mails that sound as though they were written by the Devil himself, any resemblance to those readers living or dead is purely coincidental. Mostly.

Burkes is a former civilian hospital chaplain and an Air National Guard chaplain. Write norris@thechaplain.net or visit thechaplain.net. You can also follow him on Twitter, username is "chaplain," or on Facebook at facebook.com/norrisburkes.

Are seeing double emails?

Readers,

I recently made some corrections and you should no longer be receiving double mailings. If you are still receiving doubles, please let me know. See the two columns below.

By the way, if you are in Staunton VA, let me know. I'll be there next week.

Norris

Norris Burkes: Signs from God visible even in feline form
BY NORRIS BURKES • FLORIDA TODAY • October 10, 2010

If my new pound puppy, Toby, were able to express his feelings about cats, he'd likely tell you an interesting tale of meeting his first cat.

The meeting took place this month as he and I were out jogging. Toby is eight months old and 22 pounds. His mixed ancestry gives him the long hair of the Lhasa Apso and the excitable temperament of the Jack Russell.

It was a fine fall morning as we made our way onto the creek-side jogging trail. Cloud shadows moved alongside us, hinting at the first rain of the season. The fallen leaves filled the dry creek bed with a colorful crunchy carpet that tempted me off our usual trail and onto the crackling leaves to see what dormant creature we might stir up.

Suddenly, ahead of us, we spotted a shorthaired gray-and-white cat lurking among the trees. With his shoulders hunched and his body hugging the ground like his feline ancestors, he appeared to be hunting mice.

Toby's leash went taut and his curiosity propelled us on a trajectory toward the cat. Fortunately, I was able to pull him up short of the "target" even as she arched her back, giving out a soft, but discouraging scowl.
Toby responded hesitantly to the hissing by showing that his only desire was for a whiff, an acquainting sniff.

Amazingly, the kitty stood her ground, giving tacit agreement to Toby's inspection. Still, she occasionally stepped out of range as if disparaging the IQ of any animal that allows itself to be leashed.

For a few minutes, we all stood together in peace while I looked for the telltale signs I was in a Disney movie. Would birds settle on my shoulder while deer rubbed noses and squirrels sang on their hind legs?

Eventually, Toby gave a few barks to remind me that this Kodak moment wouldn't last and we should continue our run. We didn't get far before we realized the cat was following us, scampering amid the trees in our direction.

Toby anchored his feet, demonstrating his intolerance for a feline stalker, and once again, we allowed the cat to approach. Again, God's creatures hissed and sniffed, pawed and barked. Passersby incredulously asked: "Is this your cat? Does she jog with you two?"

We repeated our start/stop ritual four times until, finally, we shook our tail and jogged on.

Still, for the remainder of the jog, I kept thinking about how people describe such odd occurrences as a sign from God.

Was this such a sign? If so, would hundreds of people come to visit us like those who visit the Jesus-faced taco shells?

I'm a spiritual writer. Doesn't God have to give me a weekly spiritual message?
Well, yes and no. While this sort of thing shouldn't be interpreted as a message from God on a private line, there's room to hear a divine message in everything we see.

On this day, I was reminded that there are many miracles of daily life that contain wonder and awe. Yet they are often missed when sprinting down the path of least resistance, that neat path we've memorized and analyzed. Soon, the miracles lose their power to mesmerize.

True, we still can find them on our daily path, but I've always found that they are best discovered on alternate routes.
If you were to ask me whether this "epiphany" has improved the way I feel about cats, I'd reluctantly say "a little." But still, at the end of the day, I'd guess that if Jesus ever had a pet, it wasn't a cat.

Norris Burkes is a syndicated columnist, speaker and author of "No Small Miracles." He also serves as an Air National Guard chaplain. You can call him at (321) 549-2500, e-mail him at Norris@thechaplain.net or visit his website at www.thechaplain.net



Norris Burkes: Sometimes a friend need say nothing
BY NORRIS BURKES • FLORIDA TODAY • October 17, 2010

Being caught on the gay-dar is a regular occurrence for me and my best friend of 35 years, Roger Williams.

Gay-dar is what Roger started calling the assumptions salesmen make about us being a couple after we shopped for my truck last year. Of course, I'm sure it didn't help when we arrived in my wife's car sporting personalized plates: 25YRS N (heart).

And when Roger texted me to meet him for breakfast last week, we got the same reaction from the restaurant hostess who settled us into a cozy little table. We shrugged. Just another comedic story to tell our wives.

At breakfast, however, our conversation turned serious.

He had news about his mother, Jenny, who struggles in a Maine nursing facility with Alzheimer's.

"She eats well and walks a good deal," Roger said, "yet my dad says, 'This isn't your mom. Your mom's gone.' "

There's a Catch-22 in dealing with Alzheimer's patients. Since it's difficult to get them to lucidly describe their aches, life-threatening problems often go untreated until they are on their deathbed.

And that's how Roger's family came to be surprised about the latest development. Jenny has cancer.

After breakfast, Roger sent more texts.

"Her health is failing and she's been placed in hospice care."

With internal bleeding, Jenny's doctor predicted about a week.

Another text: "Charge nurse told family that I should get on a plane tomorrow!"

I volunteered to research airfares, but found bereavement fares to be only a few dollars cheaper than full fare. Dying isn't cheap, but neither is mourning. By evening's end, I combined frequent flier miles with some airline passes to purchase roundtrip tickets for Roger, his wife and daughter for about $600.

More texts, "Thank you so much!"

"I remember so well how you were there for me when my dad died," I replied. "Thanks for that."

The next day, I put them on the plane, but the messages continued.
"We are so tired! We only slept 4 hours last night," he texted before boarding a red-eye.

At 5:30 a.m., another text: "We just landed. My dad says, 'hurry.' "

Jenny was holding out. We both knew from our jobs as hospital chaplains that dying patients seem to hold out until they can see a family member one last time. Now, she waited for Roger.

The last text I got from him: "We are here. Sitting at bedside. She's pale and sedated."

"You're a good son," I told him.

As chaplains, the hospital bedside is a place both of us have been a hundred times. But I felt confused. Should I be the chaplain to him? Or was I his best friend?
Or was there a difference in this case?

I'm often asked what to say to people who are going through something like this. I tell them that sitting with people as they grieve is not show-and tell time.
It's just show time. It's time to exercise your right to remain silent and work on showing them your love. It's also time to show your courage by staying present with them during the scary times.

And that's the best answer I know: Don't tell people you love them. Show them. Even if showing them means getting caught in someone's gay-dar.

Burkes is a former civilian hospital chaplain and an Air National Guard chaplain. Write norris@thechaplain.net or visit thechaplain.net. You can also follow him on Twitter, username is "chaplain," or on Facebook at facebook.com/norrisburkes.

My last two collumns

Norris Burkes: Would you elect 'Faith by Design'?
BY NORRIS BURKES • FLORIDA TODAY • October 3, 2010


Wouldn't it be great if we could elect our own deity and then pick and choose the accompanying rules to go with our new religion?

Take a moment with me and picture a fictitious fellow entering the voting booth to choose what parts of faith he will keep or discard. As he fills in his ballot, he says:

OK, first, let's see who the candidates are and then we'll get to the ballot measures.

Looks like the same old guys. Jehovah and Allah running against a slew of other candidates I can't pronounce.

Of course, I'm voting for the Christian deity again. After all, my parents and grandparents always have voted Christian.

OK. Who they got this year? Looks like the same ol', same ol': The Father, his boy and the Holy Spirit.

I like the Father. He's got a lot of experience and he's not a micromanager. I'm not sure about the son, though. After 2,000 years in the VP role, you'd think he'd be goin' for his old man's job. I'll give him one more term.

The Holy Spirit is a wholly (chuckle) different question. He's a meddler; kind of like Pinocchio's Jiminy Cricket. Toss the bum. I don't believe in big trilogies. I'd rather keep it a simple father/son operation. I'm going with the write-in this year, "Selfish guy."

That was easy. Now, let's take a look at the props and measures.

Hmm. Ten Commandments. I've always wondered what the "shall not" means in 7 and 9. I mean, what is adultery, really? Or who can say what a lie really is? Let's cut them down to eight this year. Maybe that'll save some tithe money on the enforcement end.

Oh, no. Don't tell me they're trying to outlaw gluttony again. No way. Stick to the ones against homosexuality and alcohol.

Now, here's one I like: "An eye for an eye." Yes. That's a keeper!

But what's this? Jesus is pushing the Matthew Proposal: "Don't hit back at all. If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. . . . No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously."

No. That's out too. Honestly, does God expect to be given carte blanche in my life?

Uh, oh, they're getting harder. "Do to others what you would have them do to you."

Hmmm. . . . That needs a softening revision for sure. Maybe, "Do unto others only if they do unto you." Yes, let's send this one back for a rewrite.

There, that'll do. Now I have my very own designer faith.

What? You say this is voter fraud? What do you mean I have chads hanging everywhere? I can't have my own religion? Then forget it.

Our little befuddled voter reminds me that the great principles of faith don't come to us as a true/false test. Neither do they come as multiple choice.

Faith is a full package deal that helps us relate to God, others and ourselves. Most of us would vote to keep the "ourselves" part, but given half the chance, we'd easily exclude the tougher parts about God and others. That means that at the end of the day, if you're going to choose faith, then I'd suggest taking the whole shooting match. We all have to choose our path and this election year I'll be sticking with Christianity. All of it: the commandments, the Bible, the church, and, yes, even the Holy Spirit guy.


Norris Burkes: Salvation found through teamwork
BY NORRIS BURKES • FLORIDA TODAY • September 26, 2010


Recently, I responded to that question with a story of my visit to a local pharmacy.

"You have some bruises on your arm," I told the young female clerk.

"Yes," she said, as nonchalantly as if she'd answered a question about a sale item.

I paused to allow silence to speak for me.

"Oh. It's OK. I'm fine," she said.

After a few hesitant steps toward the exit, I made a thoughtful turn in her direction.

"You know why I'm asking?" I said.

She shook her head with the hesitancy one makes when lying.

"Those bruises look like fingerprints. Is someone hurting you?" I asked flatly.

She returned a silent stare. "I'm fine," she said without answering my question.

"OK," I said, knowing I'd been dismissed.

On my drive home, I started one of those debates you see in cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other.

"She said she was fine," said the devil. "Now wash your hands of it."

"She could be your daughter," said the angel. "You've got to rescue her."

You'd think a chaplain could easily dismiss the devil and obey the angel.

Well, not entirely. I've learned these debates aren't as black and white as we'd like to make them. Usually, the answer is somewhere in the middle.

It wasn't until I'd been home for an hour that it suddenly hit me.

Middle! That was it.

I'd left the woman no middle ground. I'd failed to give her a future option. She said "no," but I shouldn't have let her answer mean "never."

I returned to the pharmacy to have another talk with the girl. It was too late. Her shift was over and she'd gone home.

There's only one thing a chaplain can do when he reaches the end of his abilities: refer.

Without disclosing too much of my conversation, I referred my concerns and my contact information with the clerk's manager.

I'd learned two things that day.

Sometimes, you get to be the first responder and save a life. Those are good times. You get the feel-good fuzzies because you were the star hitter and you knocked one out of the park.

But most of the time, you have to be a team player and follow God's coaching. This means you have to recognize that you aren't the savior of the world who can solve all the problems.



While you're on God's team to hit the occasional home run, most of the time you're here to field the ball to a teammate who'll get credit for the play.

That day, I fielded the ball to the manager. If there's a play to make, she'll get to make it.

So when people ask me whether I'm still doing chaplain's work, I tell them that chaplain's work is caring for people. It's the same kind of work I hope we all do.

Just because I don't carry the title into a hospital anymore doesn't mean that I'm not responsible to God to care for people.

The Apostle Paul had much the same idea when he wrote the church in Corinth telling them that he and his teammate Apollos were "merely servants who helped you to have faith. It was the Lord who made it all happen. I planted the seeds, Apollos watered them, but God made them sprout and grow. What matters isn't those who planted or watered, but God who made the plants grow."

Burkes is a former civilian hospital chaplain and an Air National Guard chaplain. Write norris@thechaplain.net or visit thechaplain.net. You also can follow him on Twitter, username is "chaplain," or on Facebook at facebook.com/norrisburkes.

My last two collumns

Norris Burkes: Would you elect 'Faith by Design'?
BY NORRIS BURKES • FLORIDA TODAY • October 3, 2010


Wouldn't it be great if we could elect our own deity and then pick and choose the accompanying rules to go with our new religion?

Take a moment with me and picture a fictitious fellow entering the voting booth to choose what parts of faith he will keep or discard. As he fills in his ballot, he says:

OK, first, let's see who the candidates are and then we'll get to the ballot measures.

Looks like the same old guys. Jehovah and Allah running against a slew of other candidates I can't pronounce.

Of course, I'm voting for the Christian deity again. After all, my parents and grandparents always have voted Christian.

OK. Who they got this year? Looks like the same ol', same ol': The Father, his boy and the Holy Spirit.

I like the Father. He's got a lot of experience and he's not a micromanager. I'm not sure about the son, though. After 2,000 years in the VP role, you'd think he'd be goin' for his old man's job. I'll give him one more term.

The Holy Spirit is a wholly (chuckle) different question. He's a meddler; kind of like Pinocchio's Jiminy Cricket. Toss the bum. I don't believe in big trilogies. I'd rather keep it a simple father/son operation. I'm going with the write-in this year, "Selfish guy."

That was easy. Now, let's take a look at the props and measures.

Hmm. Ten Commandments. I've always wondered what the "shall not" means in 7 and 9. I mean, what is adultery, really? Or who can say what a lie really is? Let's cut them down to eight this year. Maybe that'll save some tithe money on the enforcement end.

Oh, no. Don't tell me they're trying to outlaw gluttony again. No way. Stick to the ones against homosexuality and alcohol.

Now, here's one I like: "An eye for an eye." Yes. That's a keeper!

But what's this? Jesus is pushing the Matthew Proposal: "Don't hit back at all. If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. . . . No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously."

No. That's out too. Honestly, does God expect to be given carte blanche in my life?

Uh, oh, they're getting harder. "Do to others what you would have them do to you."

Hmmm. . . . That needs a softening revision for sure. Maybe, "Do unto others only if they do unto you." Yes, let's send this one back for a rewrite.

There, that'll do. Now I have my very own designer faith.

What? You say this is voter fraud? What do you mean I have chads hanging everywhere? I can't have my own religion? Then forget it.

Our little befuddled voter reminds me that the great principles of faith don't come to us as a true/false test. Neither do they come as multiple choice.

Faith is a full package deal that helps us relate to God, others and ourselves. Most of us would vote to keep the "ourselves" part, but given half the chance, we'd easily exclude the tougher parts about God and others. That means that at the end of the day, if you're going to choose faith, then I'd suggest taking the whole shooting match. We all have to choose our path and this election year I'll be sticking with Christianity. All of it: the commandments, the Bible, the church, and, yes, even the Holy Spirit guy.


Norris Burkes: Salvation found through teamwork
BY NORRIS BURKES • FLORIDA TODAY • September 26, 2010


Recently, I responded to that question with a story of my visit to a local pharmacy.

"You have some bruises on your arm," I told the young female clerk.

"Yes," she said, as nonchalantly as if she'd answered a question about a sale item.

I paused to allow silence to speak for me.

"Oh. It's OK. I'm fine," she said.

After a few hesitant steps toward the exit, I made a thoughtful turn in her direction.

"You know why I'm asking?" I said.

She shook her head with the hesitancy one makes when lying.

"Those bruises look like fingerprints. Is someone hurting you?" I asked flatly.

She returned a silent stare. "I'm fine," she said without answering my question.

"OK," I said, knowing I'd been dismissed.

On my drive home, I started one of those debates you see in cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other.

"She said she was fine," said the devil. "Now wash your hands of it."

"She could be your daughter," said the angel. "You've got to rescue her."

You'd think a chaplain could easily dismiss the devil and obey the angel.

Well, not entirely. I've learned these debates aren't as black and white as we'd like to make them. Usually, the answer is somewhere in the middle.

It wasn't until I'd been home for an hour that it suddenly hit me.

Middle! That was it.

I'd left the woman no middle ground. I'd failed to give her a future option. She said "no," but I shouldn't have let her answer mean "never."

I returned to the pharmacy to have another talk with the girl. It was too late. Her shift was over and she'd gone home.

There's only one thing a chaplain can do when he reaches the end of his abilities: refer.

Without disclosing too much of my conversation, I referred my concerns and my contact information with the clerk's manager.

I'd learned two things that day.

Sometimes, you get to be the first responder and save a life. Those are good times. You get the feel-good fuzzies because you were the star hitter and you knocked one out of the park.

But most of the time, you have to be a team player and follow God's coaching. This means you have to recognize that you aren't the savior of the world who can solve all the problems.



While you're on God's team to hit the occasional home run, most of the time you're here to field the ball to a teammate who'll get credit for the play.

That day, I fielded the ball to the manager. If there's a play to make, she'll get to make it.

So when people ask me whether I'm still doing chaplain's work, I tell them that chaplain's work is caring for people. It's the same kind of work I hope we all do.

Just because I don't carry the title into a hospital anymore doesn't mean that I'm not responsible to God to care for people.

The Apostle Paul had much the same idea when he wrote the church in Corinth telling them that he and his teammate Apollos were "merely servants who helped you to have faith. It was the Lord who made it all happen. I planted the seeds, Apollos watered them, but God made them sprout and grow. What matters isn't those who planted or watered, but God who made the plants grow."

Burkes is a former civilian hospital chaplain and an Air National Guard chaplain. Write norris@thechaplain.net or visit thechaplain.net. You also can follow him on Twitter, username is "chaplain," or on Facebook at facebook.com/norrisburkes.