New Column From Norris Burkes

Subject:
First column of Feb 2019


Column:

You Say You're Sorry, But Are You?

Have you ever found yourself under fire for saying or writing something that you believed to be clearly innocuous? As a public speaker and a writer, I can say yes to this a thousand times.

Among my early experiences with public tripping-over-my-own-tongue, I recall my first pastorate in 1985 as a 26-year-old, newly minted seminary graduate. I'd just preached a fiery sermon, when a woman requested a private word with me in the church office.

Her face was reddened and emotional, so I was sure my sermon had likely brought her to repentant tears. Once inside the study, she began without hesitation.

"I'm really very offended. I just can't believe you said what you did in that sermon." Over the next five minutes the woman took me to task over what I considered to be the harmless way in which I'd phrased a sermon thought.

I can't remember what she found so offensive those many years ago, nor can I recall exactly how many other times my words have offended during my 15 years of preaching, but wanting to keep my job, I'm sure I apologized.

Fast-forward into this decade and you'll find infinite examples of people getting in much deeper trouble than I have ever been for their choice of words.

For instance, Tom Brokaw, retired NBC news anchor, apologized last week after he expressed the need for Spanish- speaking people to better assimilate into their communities by speaking English.

Dr. Megan Neely, Duke university professor, resigned last week after online petitions expressed outrage over an email she sent to her Chinese graduate students encouraging them to "speak English 100% of the time."

Was Brokaw the victim of political correctness? Was the professor a casualty of social-media vigilantism? Perhaps, but they still apologized profusely.

If you need to apologize, I think you would do well to heed the research conducted by Ohio State University psychological scientist Roy Lewicki and colleagues.* The 2016 study concludes that not all apologies are equally effective. Lewicki found that apologies should include six elements:

• Expression of regret
• Explanation of what went wrong
• Acknowledgment of responsibility
• Declaration of repentance
• Offer of repair
• Request for forgiveness


Surprisingly, the analysis found that while the best apologies will contain all six elements, not all components are equal in value.

"Our findings showed that the most important component is an acknowledgment of responsibility. Say it is your fault, that you made a mistake," Lewicki said in an Ohio State press release.**

Rated second is an offer of repair.

"Talk is cheap," says Lewicki "But by saying, 'I'll fix what is wrong,' you're committing to take action to undo the damage."

In simple words, if you're pressed for time or space and can't include all six elements, just say, "I was wrong, but I will fix it."

Study or not, Jesus prioritized our need to express a personal apology even above our need to participate in corporate worship.

"This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and … suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you… leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God" (Matthew 5:23-24 The Message).

Finally, I conclude by sharing the wisdom of my seminary preaching professor who counseled us to "Choose your words carefully because it's bad enough to be understood, let alone misunderstood."
___________________________________________________
Contact Chaplain Norris at comment@thechaplain.net or PO Box 247 Elk Grove CA 95759 or voicemail (843) 608-9715

*May 2016 issue of the journal "Negotiation and Conflict Management Research." by Roy Lewicki, Co-authors Robert Lount, associate professor of management and human resources at Ohio State, and Beth Polin of Eastern Kentucky University.

**https://news.osu.edu/the-6-elements-of-an-effective-apology-according-to-science/

 

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New Column From Norris Burkes

Subject:
Last column for Jan 2019


Column:

DID I MEET YOU THIS WEEK?

Do you ever wonder what people think about you? I do and, most especially, I wonder what my readers think of me.

So last week, I flew to Lakeland, Florida, where I uncovered some readers who'd made some surprising conclusions about me based solely on my column mugshot.

For instance, I was speaking to a Rotary club about the Chispa Project (chispaproject.org) when a friendly bald man observed, "You have a lot more hair than your picture shows."

Thank you, I guess. Honestly, I wish I had more.

At the Lakeland Unitarian Church, one woman craned her neck to observe that I seemed taller than suggested by my column portrait.

Really? I thought. She deduced this from a thumbnail photo?

Following her, another woman gathered her gumption to tell me, "You aren't as fat as you seem in the newspaper."

For the record, I'm 185 pounds, standing 6 feet, 1 inch. Add an extra half inch if all my hair is mussed by the wind.

As I was testing my microphone at Auburndale Methodist, two men approached me. The first one inquired if I was a "good speaker, not boring." While the other quite impatiently demanded that I start my presentation early, before our meal was finished.

Answered in the order asked, "Yes" and "No."

After I concluded my Auburndale talk, reader-turned-listener comments shifted away from superficiality.

"I appreciate your humility," said one gentleman.

However, while I signed books at a later Kiwanis club meeting, another reader said in seeming contradiction to the first, "This is like meeting a rock star."

I'm not making any of this up. They really said these things. But over the course of a few days, I began to realize that my "celeb" status didn't really matter to my audience.

What mattered to people wasn't my height, hair or eloquence. Above the trivial observations, the thing that mattered most to them was how well I listened.

So, in between breakfast with the Kiwanis, Rotarian meet-and-and greets and church potlucks I listened.

I listened as a man and wife spoke of their son returning from a combat deployment in Iraq, only to lose him to a cancer likely caused by his exposure to the burn pit (the open-air combustion of trash in military deployment sites.)

One man put a lot of trust in me as he unloaded his helplessness in dealing with his wife's third cancer treatment.

Another man told me of his failing marriage while another expressed his powerlessness to find effective treatment for a schizophrenic son.

The whole thing got me thinking about the manner in which Jesus rolled into his community speaking gigs.

He was certainly a crowd favorite wherever he spoke. On a hillside, he outlined some very coherent thoughts in his Sermon on the Mount. He was the banquet speaker for a hungry crowd of five thousand.

But where he really wowed the crowd were the moments he listened to individuals. For example, he shielded a woman about to be stoned for adultery. He befriended a polygamous woman shunned by a gossipy town. He spoke forgiveness to a follower who denied him.

You don't have to wonder what people thought about a guy like that. Jesus heard the pain in their lives. He didn't use his personal comparison to bring his pain into their story. He didn't dismiss their pain or discount it. He listened and made it a part of his own pain.

Given a choice between being a better speaker or a better listener, I'm thinking I want to be more like the Jesus, the listener guy. How about you?
___________________________________________________
If you'd like Chaplain Norris to speak at your event, contact him at comment@thechaplain.net or PO Box 247 Elk Grove CA 95759 or leave a voicemail (843) 608-9715.

 

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New Column From Norris Burkes

Subject:
column for 18-20 Jan 2019


Column:

TIME TO LOSE THE WAIT

January is the month fitness evangelists often proclaim: "Lose the weight." But as a hospice chaplain, I have a little different slant on it. I say, "It's time to lose the wait."

I've earned my perspective from sitting in a lot of waiting rooms with patients' families. These long waits have made me into somewhat of a wait expert.

As an expert, I can tell you there are times when one must wait on life, and there are times when one must refuse to wait.

I came to realize this one afternoon in 1992 as I spoke with a family at Houston Northwest Medical Center in Houston, Texas. That's the day they recounted the life story of their adult daughter who had refused to live her life in a waiting room. Their college coed lived her life with cystic fibrosis, and at that moment, they were adjusting to the idea that she was dying.

CF patients are a special breed. Most of them are a wait-challenged group. That's because none of them can afford to wait for life. They have to go grab it.

CF causes patients to compact their life plans into fewer than three decades. Every day is a struggle with the cliché, "What would you do if you had only one more day to live?" The question becomes the mantra of their lives.

This particular young woman grappled with that question nearly every day of her 21 years. She'd recently moved out on her own and was successfully tackling a new set of problems. She was going to college, working a job, finding health insurance, building permanent relationships, all the while keeping up with her physical therapy and medications.

But the real reason I was meeting with her family was to guide them in their implementation of her decision to make this day the last one of her life. She wanted to disconnect her breathing apparatus, allow nature to take its course, and then donate her organs.

This was a choice her family knew well, because the woman was a well-known evangelist for organ donation. She carried her organ donation card everywhere and urged all her friends to make the same donation plan.

The family explained all of this to the attending doctor, but unfortunately, he held to older definitions of death and life support. He would not allow us to withdraw temporary measures in time for this family to donate the young woman's organs.

Some might say, "What a pointless ending. How sad."

Yes, it was sad, but in the end the family did not remain stuck in the waiting room. They chose to celebrate a young woman who refused to live a delayed life. They rejoiced in a woman brave enough to enjoy each day as if it were her last. And ultimately, her choices were fulfilled many times over by the organ donors she enlisted.

Hospital waiting rooms are reasonable places for people to gather when faced with few choices about life. But for the most part, God designed us to live outside the waiting room.

Life plans are never implemented in the waiting rooms. They are worked out on the battlefield of life. This girl knew that.

So what are you waiting on? Lose the wait!

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For more about Cystic Fibrosis go to CFF.org.

It is estimated that organ donation cards save 28,000 lives a year. Learn more at https://www.organdonor.gov

Contact Chaplain norris at comment@thechaplain.net or PO Box 247 Elk Grove CA 95759 or voicemail (843) 608-9715. Look for Norris' books on his website or Amazon. "No Small Miracles," "Heroes Highway," and "Thriving Beyond Surviving."

 

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Free download for my book Heroes Highway

Hey everyone, I have a free Kindle book for you! If you read books on your Kindle, you can go to Amazon and download a FREE copy of my book, Heroes Highway.  Do it now because the offer will expire in 48 hours. Finallly, I want to remind you that we still need your help to start children's libraries in Honduras.  As you probably know, my daughter, Sara, started a non-profit called Chispa Project which works side-by-side with local communities to create school libraries in Honduras.     This year has been incredibly successful thanks to more than a hundred of column readers who contributed $15,000 this year, helping us reach a total of 14,000 books donated to over 50 schools. AND, a dozen of those readers are coming with me in March 2019 to build more libraries. I am so grateful to you all.   If you've seen the recent news, Honduras has appeared numerous times with caravan immigration and sending unaccompanied minors across the border due to the dire situation in Honduras. Today, more than ever, sustainable change needs to happen within Honduras, and I'm asking for your continued support to build 10 new libraries with our "Next Chapter Campaign."   What's the issue? Books are expensive for the 2 out of 3 Honduran families living in extreme poverty. Most students have no children's books in their schools or homes, contributing to incredibly low reading abilities, and high drop-out rates. Low educational opportunities contribute to high immigration rates, with families desperate to give their children a better life.    How do books help? The most powerful and highest-impact way to improve reading achievement is to increase access to books.  Through school and classroom libraries, Chispa provides a holistic program that trains teachers, parents and students to integrate literacy techniques in daily classes and home life.   What can you do? Your generous contribution goes directly to purchasing brand new Spanish children's books and inaugurating a school library equipped with 500+ unique titles and comfortable reading spaces, and put a smile on students' faces when they open their first library book!    Please help us start 2019 on the right page by donating $100 and help 4 children get their first book at a Chispa library today at www.chispaproject.org/nextchapter. (Consider donating in honor of a loved one as a gift!)  If you prefer to mail a check, please make it out to "Chispa Project" and send it to: Norris Burkes PO Box 247  Elk Grove, CA 95759  Thank you so much for your continued support and giving the gift of reading.    With love and gratitude,    Chaplain Norris Copyright © 2019 Norris Burkes, All rights reserved. You signed up to be on Norris' list! Our mailing address is: Norris Burkes PO Box 247 Elk Grove, CA 95759 Add us to your address book Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list.

New Column From Norris Burkes

Subject:
Column 11-13 Jan 2018


Column:

Eastwood Educates the Chaplain

OK, folks, today I'm asking for your best Clint Eastwood impression by repeating these words aloud: "A man's gotta know his limitations."

If you did half as well as Eastwood did in his portrayal of "Dirty Harry," you'll likely have the room jumping.

The maxim gives solid guidance. However, it's advice I neglected 15 years ago when I was deployed to an undisclosed location far out onto the sand dunes.

It was a blisteringly hot afternoon when I decided to take a stroll toward our perimeter defenses in hopes of making a morale visit with our Security Forces personnel.

As I walked into their camp, I found a group of cops anxiously unpacking ammunition boxes.

"What's up, guys?" I asked, a little short of situational awareness.

"We're a little too busy to chat, Chaplain," said a perturbed sergeant.

I must have looked a little hurt because their officer appeased me with an explanation.

"Intel reports suggest an attack tonight, so we need to load ammunition magazines for our M-16s."

"In that case, you'll need all the help you can get," I said.

"Agreed," said an airman offering me a stool and a short tutorial on handling ammunition.

Gratefully, I was soon multitasking — loading magazines and facilitating the chat session I'd come for. I was a happy chappy with folks talking about food, families and weather.

After about 20 minutes, I heard someone loudly clearing their throat. I turned around to see an orange-vested officer standing on our perimeter.

"Chaplain, just what the hell do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

"Morale visit, Sir. Just chatting up our cops."

"I mean with your hands!" he said pointing to the magazine I was loading.

Note: This is the moment where I disclose my previously undisclosed location – the dunes of Central Florida. This was a military exercise, a dress rehearsal for combat.

The irritated officer was an inspector.

"Captain Burkes," he growled. "You KNOW chaplains are non-combatants and forbidden by the Geneva Convention to have anything to do with weapons – most especially during an inspection.

Wowzer, I can tell you that a superior addressing a chaplain by rank is like hearing your mom using your middle name.

He was right of course. Chaplains who violate this rule in a real deployment are subject to court martial.

I knew the rule applied to guns, but hadn't given thought to magazines. Obviously I'd lost sight of my limitations.

As a military chaplain, I had to abide by certain rules of engagement that limited my religious freedoms. For instance, in addition to being unarmed, I couldn't proselytize, nor could I bring parochial prayers to mandatory formations.

Some of my pastor colleagues balked at such restrictions. However, by knowing and accepting my limitations, I was rewarded the high honor of being present with servicemembers as they walked into harm's way.

These limitations aren't much different for many of you who carry your faith into workplaces. A teacher can't preach to his students. An executive can't thump her employees with biblical proclamations. A foreman can't limit his hiring to those from his faith preference. These rules of engagement are about respect, not political correctness.

However, these limitations needn't keep you from becoming a light in your field. The contrary is true. Keeping the rules of engagement should mean that your light shines ever brighter as it shows your esteem for coworkers.

By the way, I ran afoul of one other limitation that day. The Florida heat index shot up so high that 10 people dropped from heat exhaustion. When Slap Happy Chappy became number 11, the orange vest declared, "ENDEX." (End Exercise.)

All together now - "A man's gotta know his limitations!"
___________________________________________________
Contact Chaplain Norris at comment@thechaplain.net or PO Box 247 Elk Grove CA 95759 or leave your best Eastwood impression on voicemail (843) 608-9715

 

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New Column From Norris Burkes

Subject:
Resending duplicate column


Column:

Editors, Some of you are saying you didn't get my column this week. So, I'm trying again. If you don't have it by Wednesday noon EST, please contact me immediately

Most Misused Marital Mandate

There is no scripture verse in the entire Bible that has given marriages more trouble than Ephesians 5:22. The words come from a seemingly clueless Apostle Paul who says, "Wives submit yourselves to your husbands."

My first run-in with the mandate came in the home of a deacon who'd invited his 26-year-old pastor and wife for dinner after church.

Our deacon, Dan, was a 40ish-year-old family man with three daughters who hung on his every word. But a few hours into our meal, it was his wife, Joanne, who was making the biggest impression on us.

Joanne was an incredibly personable woman who exuded confidence in everything she did. Nevertheless, with Dan, she seemed almost subservient. She waited on him hand-and-foot, bringing him what he needed before he'd ask.

As Joanne served dessert, Becky dared a nervous laugh at how Joanne fawned over Dan. The deacon's wife responded to Becky's ribbing with the submission verse, telling us it was her Christian duty to serve Dan. With lips pursed, we nodded in feigned agreement, even though our first impressions told us that the arrangement seemed more like servile compliance than a Christian marriage.

On our drive home to the parsonage, my young bride made a few declarations. "I hope you're not expecting our marriage to be like that. I'll be your wife, but I won't be your maid or your waitress."

Of course, this was no major development. I knew I'd married a product of the women's movement. On our wedding day, Becky veered away from traditional roles by refusing to be "given away" by her father. Instead, both our parents began our ceremony by announcing their affirmation of the marriage. After our wedding, Becky spent the next four years supporting us through my seminary education.

Now that she was ready to start her teaching career and plan our family, she wanted to be sure I knew that I would do an equal share of home upkeep, diaper duty, and cooking. Of course, I wanted to keep this girl, so I always nodded in perfect agreement.

I remained with the church for four and a half years, just long enough to realize that Joanne wasn't the mousy subservient wife we first mistook her for. Their marriage wasn't so easily dismissed. Actually, I was privileged to witness how they'd built a marriage of great love and mutual respect. I saw many moments in which Dan also submitted to Joanne's wishes and lavished her with every bit of love he could muster.

Bottom line was that their marriage worked for them and I had no call to judge what worked for them.

I met up with Dan and Joanne a few years back and I can tell you that Dan achieved a wonderful life - not by misusing the verse to domineer Joanne, but by cherishing her. Joanne achieved a wonderful marriage, not by losing who she was in Dan's shadow, but by honoring the man God made Dan to be.

Together, they found the secret that precedes the noisy one about the wives submitting. Ephesians 5:21 makes it clear that both the husband and wife must "submit to one another."

That simply means that couples must work it out. No one can be the head all the time. Mostly we lead together.

As for our marriage, I don't think Becky will tell you that our marriage has always been equal because I know it hasn't. But I also know that submitting to one another continues to work for us.

Happy 39th anniversary, sweetheart!


Contact Chaplain Norris at comment@thechaplain.net or PO Box 247 Elk Grove CA 95759 or voicemail (843) 608-9715

 

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New Column From Norris Burkes

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resending column


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