Sept 27-29 Column

Your Sentiments Exactly

 

For the past 23 years, I've written this syndicated column about my adventures, misadventures and philanthropic ventures. During that time, you've responded to my commentary with hundreds of emails.

 

Since I've not always answered those emails, I'm taking a moment today to give a summarized response to several concerns. And even if you've never written, you may likely share the sentiments of those who have.

 

Grammar/Spelling

 

Some readers gently chastise me for my lack of a comma or overuse of commas. Sadly, I also battle with when to use "me" or "I."  Or I misspell something, usually a homophone, words that sound the same but are different, like two, to and too.

 

Theology

 

Every once in a while, someone writes trying to convince me that there is no God. They have as much chance of persuading me of a godless world as the white-shirt fellas do who knock on my door trying to convert me though their Bible studies.

 

Some folks want me to explain God, as to why he did something in the world. I'm not too good at explaining God. Sometimes I gently remind them that I'm in sales, not the service department.

 

I get the theology critics from both sides. Pluralistic liberals sometimes read my column as being too limited to Christianity while fundamentalist Christians have suggested I might be working for the "enemy."

 

Politics

 

Readers have asked me to avoid politics and keep to my religious lane. I usually respond by saying, "I'm in good company with the prophets of old in talking about social injustice."

 

I once had a reader who seemed convinced that I was wisest-of-the-wise, but he turned on me when I wrote against the hate speech of Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern.

 

"Your column is no longer fit to line my bird cage," he wrote. I wanted to tell him that birdcage is a single word, not two, but I thought better of it.

 

Life Advice

 

But it has been the tragic emails that have broken my heart. Those from readers seeking solace over their lost child or spouse, or their broken marriage. Victims seeking escape from abuse at home or at church, both sexual and psychological.

 

Many other readers are lonely, like the elderly or terminally ill or the imprisoned population.

 

How could I possibly give so many people the specific help they seek?

 

First of all, the only advice I give is to refer people to their local clergy or therapist. I can't give advice by email any more than I can discuss theology by email.

 

However, I have been known to respond with a few guiding principles.

 

1. When readers share their life tragedies, it feels empty to promise "thoughts and prayers." These readers aren't seeking a fix, but rather to make their hurt known to someone who cares. So I begin with, "I've read your email, and I hear your unimaginable pain."

 

2. In relationship issues, it's impossible to know all the sides, so I ask them to consider two things.

 

1. Listen to understand before insisting that you be understood. Identify the emotions. Fear? Hurt? Embarrassment? Proverbs 18:13 says, "A person who answers without listening first is foolish and disgraceful" (ICB). 

 

2. I challenge them to consider what part they may have played in the hurt. I try to avoid prescribing a one-size-fits-all Bible verse, but I do hear wisdom in the Psalmist's prayer, "Search me, O God, and examine my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts" (139:23-24 NIV).

 

3. Finally, there is a little piece of advice I admittedly pass on from the Lord's prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."  Forgiveness is the most powerful force in the world. But we must do it first for ourselves.

 

Sadly, I can't satisfy all my readers, such as the professor from a prestigious New York seminary. She had nearly the entire alphabet following her name, yet saw nothing socially redeeming in my writing.

 

"Your columns are nothing but drivel!" she told me.

 

I'm grateful for her comment, because ever since I looked up the word drivel, I take great delight in including a little bit of "hogwash" or "gibberish" in my columns now and then.

 

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For more detailed response to these issues, consider my book, "Tell It To The Chaplain." All of my books are available on my website or by sending a check for $20 (per book) to 10566 Combie Rd. Suite 6643 Auburn, CA 95602. Email comments to comment@thechaplain.net or by text or voicemail to (843) 608-9715. See past columns and other books at website www.thechaplain.net.

 

 

Sept 20-22 Column

Don't Try This Verse at Home

 

During the two years I was stationed in Izmir, Turkey, I made several visits to the nearby ancient ruins in the seaport of Ephesus. In the Christian world, this city is famous for the letter the Apostle Paul wrote to the fledgling church.

 

However, in all the years I've preached from this letter, I can tell you that there are no ruins more disastrous than when husbands misuse the words Paul wrote in the fifth chapter of that letter we call the book of Ephesians.

In fact, I suspect that there is no verse in the entire Bible that has given marriages more trouble than Ephesians 5:22. Spoken by a seemingly clueless bachelor, Paul urged, "Wives submit yourselves to your husbands."

 

(Warning Husbands: DO NOT try this verse at home without chaplain supervision.)

 

My first run-in with the mandate came in the home of a deacon who'd invited his 26-year-old pastor and wife for dinner after church.

 

Our deacon, Dan, was a 40ish-year-old family man with three daughters who hung on his every word. But a few hours into our meal, it was his wife, Joanne, who was making the biggest impression on us.

 

Joanne was an incredibly personable woman who exuded confidence in everything she did. Nevertheless, with Dan she seemed almost subservient. She waited on him hand-and-foot, bringing him what he needed before he'd ask.

 

As Joanne served dessert, Becky dared a nervous laugh at how Joanne fawned over Dan. The deacon's wife responded to Becky's ribbing with the submission verse, telling us it was her Christian duty to serve Dan. With lips pursed, we nodded in feigned agreement, even though our first impressions told us that the arrangement seemed more like servile compliance than a Christian marriage.

 

On our drive home to the parsonage, my young bride made a few declarations. "I hope you're not expecting our marriage to be like that. I'll be your wife, but I won't be your maid or your waitress."

 

Of course, this was no major development. On our wedding day, Becky veered away from traditional roles by refusing to be "given away" by her father. Instead, both our parents began the ceremony by announcing their affirmation of our marriage. After our wedding, Becky spent the next four years supporting us through my seminary education.

 

Now that she was ready to start her teaching career and plan our family, she wanted to be sure I knew that I was expected to do an equal share of home upkeep, diaper duty and cooking included. 

 

Of course I wanted to keep this girl, so I always nodded in perfect agreement.

 

We remained with that church for 4½ years, just long enough to realize that Joanne wasn't the mousy subservient wife we first mistook her for. Their marriage wasn't so easily judged. 

 

Actually, I was privileged to witness how they'd built a marriage of great love and mutual respect. I saw many moments in which Dan also submitted to Joanne's wishes and lavished her with every bit of love he could muster.

 

Bottom line was that their marriage worked for them and I had no call to judge that.

 

I met up with Dan and Joanne a few years back and I can tell you that Dan achieved a wonderful life — not by misusing the verse to domineer Joanne, but by cherishing her. Joanne achieved a wonderful marriage, not by losing who she was in Dan's shadow, but by honoring the man God made Dan to be.

 

Together, they found the secret that precedes the noisy verse about wives submitting. Ephesians 5:21 makes it clear that both the husband and wife must "submit to one another."

 

That simply means that couples must work it out. Usually, a good marriage involves the couple taking turns in leading in their relationship. Typically, healthy couples lead together.

 

Izmir was a very short tour of duty, just a temporary home. Fortunately, my assignment with Becky has been a permanent one.

 

I don't think she'll tell you that our marriage has always been equal because I know it hasn't. But I also know that, as we near the 45-year mark, submitting to one another continues to work for us.

 

------------------------

 

For an autographed copy of "Tell It To The Chaplain," or any of my books, order from my website or send a check for $20 (per book) to 10566 Combie Rd. Suite 6643 Auburn, CA 95602. Email comments to comment@thechaplain.net or by text or voicemail to (843) 608-9715. See past columns and other books at website www.thechaplain.net.

 

 

Sept 20-22 Column

Don't Try This Verse at Home

 

During the two years I was stationed in Izmir, Turkey, I made several visits to the nearby ancient ruins in the seaport of Ephesus. In the Christian world, this city is famous for the letter the Apostle Paul wrote to the fledgling church.

 

However, in all the years I've preached from this letter, I can tell you that there are no ruins more disastrous than when husbands misuse the words Paul wrote in the fifth chapter of that letter we call the book of Ephesians.

In fact, I suspect that there is no verse in the entire Bible that has given marriages more trouble than Ephesians 5:22. Spoken by a seemingly clueless bachelor, Paul urged, "Wives submit yourselves to your husbands."

 

(Warning Husbands: DO NOT try this verse at home without chaplain supervision.)

 

My first run-in with the mandate came in the home of a deacon who'd invited his 26-year-old pastor and wife for dinner after church.

 

Our deacon, Dan, was a 40ish-year-old family man with three daughters who hung on his every word. But a few hours into our meal, it was his wife, Joanne, who was making the biggest impression on us.

 

Joanne was an incredibly personable woman who exuded confidence in everything she did. Nevertheless, with Dan she seemed almost subservient. She waited on him hand-and-foot, bringing him what he needed before he'd ask.

 

As Joanne served dessert, Becky dared a nervous laugh at how Joanne fawned over Dan. The deacon's wife responded to Becky's ribbing with the submission verse, telling us it was her Christian duty to serve Dan. With lips pursed, we nodded in feigned agreement, even though our first impressions told us that the arrangement seemed more like servile compliance than a Christian marriage.

 

On our drive home to the parsonage, my young bride made a few declarations. "I hope you're not expecting our marriage to be like that. I'll be your wife, but I won't be your maid or your waitress."

 

Of course, this was no major development. On our wedding day, Becky veered away from traditional roles by refusing to be "given away" by her father. Instead, both our parents began the ceremony by announcing their affirmation of our marriage. After our wedding, Becky spent the next four years supporting us through my seminary education.

 

Now that she was ready to start her teaching career and plan our family, she wanted to be sure I knew that I was expected to do an equal share of home upkeep, diaper duty and cooking included.

 

Of course I wanted to keep this girl, so I always nodded in perfect agreement.

 

We remained with that church for 4½ years, just long enough to realize that Joanne wasn't the mousy subservient wife we first mistook her for. Their marriage wasn't so easily judged.

 

Actually, I was privileged to witness how they'd built a marriage of great love and mutual respect. I saw many moments in which Dan also submitted to Joanne's wishes and lavished her with every bit of love he could muster.

 

Bottom line was that their marriage worked for them and I had no call to judge that.

 

I met up with Dan and Joanne a few years back and I can tell you that Dan achieved a wonderful life — not by misusing the verse to domineer Joanne, but by cherishing her. Joanne achieved a wonderful marriage, not by losing who she was in Dan's shadow, but by honoring the man God made Dan to be.

 

Together, they found the secret that precedes the noisy verse about wives submitting. Ephesians 5:21 makes it clear that both the husband and wife must "submit to one another."

 

That simply means that couples must work it out. Usually, a good marriage involves the couple taking turns in leading in their relationship. Typically, healthy couples lead together.

 

Izmir was a very short tour of duty, just a temporary home. Fortunately, my assignment with Becky has been a permanent one.

 

I don't think she'll tell you that our marriage has always been equal because I know it hasn't. But I also know that, as we near the 45-year mark, submitting to one another continues to work for us.

 

------------------------

 

For an autographed copy of "Tell It To The Chaplain," or any of my books, order from my website or send a check for $20 (per book) to 10566 Combie Rd. Suite 6643 Auburn, CA 95602. Email comments to comment@thechaplain.net or by text or voicemail to (843) 608-9715. See past columns and other books at website www.thechaplain.net.

 

 

Sept 13-15 Column

Chaplain Rewrites Ten Commandments

 

"Why did God have to make his Ten Commandments so negative?" I asked my wife as I drove her to the airport for her flight to St. Louis.

 

"Pardon me?" she replied.

 

My non sequiturs confuse most people, but Becky plays along.

 

"When we were raising kids, you taught me to use affirming directions rather than negative ones," I said.

 

"For example, you suggested I not say, 'Don't run,' but instead say, 'Please Walk.' We also replaced, 'Don't yell,' with, 'Use your inside voice.'"

 

Becky seemed pleased that I remembered her advice and allowed me a bit more latitude to express my thoughts.

"God should have been more affirming with his commandments."

 

"You think you can do better?" she asked.

 

"Maybe. I'll write a positive list and ask my readers what they think."

 

"You do that, but in the meantime, I think I'll be safer in St. Louis," she said as we pulled up to the terminal for our curbside kiss.

 

I went home and checked my yard for an inspirational burning bush but found none. 

Just a lot of dry shrubs.

 

But fortunately, I did have an iPad. So, I sat down to wordsmith the commandments into something short and easy for all faiths to understand.

 

1. "You shall have no other gods before Me."

 

In my new-and-improved version, God would say, "I'm the only one." The declaration worked well for Tigger in "Winnie the Pooh" when he said, "The wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one."

 

2. "You shall make no idols."

 

"Stay focused on Me" might have made a more optimistic rewrite for God's idea of discouraging theological adultery.

 

3. "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain."

 

"I'm God, not Santa," is my paraphrase for God.

 

The original intention wasn't to forbid swearing but to dissuade folks who vainly used God's name to force him to grant their whims.  See my past columns on this commandment.

 

4. "Keep the Sabbath day holy" is positively worded, but I think God would be OK to add, "Find holiness in all your days."

 

5. "Honor your father and your mother" is sufficiently upbeat, so I probably needn't add, "and pay for your parents' cruise."

 

6. "You shall not murder."

 

"Make life matter." Respect each life as if it were all lives. And respect all life as if it were one life. 

 

7. "You shall not commit adultery." 

 

"Dance with the one that brought you." I can almost hear God humming Shania Twain's song of that title,

 

"Don't let the green grass fool you

Don't let the moon get to you

Dance with the one that brought you and you can't go wrong."

 

8. "You shall not steal."

 

"Give with all your heart to those in need" may honor God's intention here.

 

9. "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor."

 

"Find truth and nurture it." Share it with the powerful and the powerless.

 

10. "You shall not covet."

 

"Yearn for all things that will help others." Desire only what helps your neighbor, your partner, your family and our world.

 

A few days later, I emailed Becky the column proof so she could suggest changes. Her comments didn't come until I returned to the airport a week later to pick her up.

 

"How was your flight?" I asked.

 

"Good," she said, "but I'm not sure that column is going to fly with your readers."

 

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

 

She smiled before answering. "As usual, when you are quoting me, you often break the 'false witness' commandment."

 

"I prefer the more positive way to describe those quotes –  "creative attribution."

 

"I'm really not sure I should be leaving you alone again," she added.

 

I smiled. Mission accomplished.

 

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For an autographed copy of "Tell It To The Chaplain," or any of my books, order from my website or send a check for $20 (per book) to 10566 Combie Rd. Suite 6643 Auburn, CA 95602. Email comments to comment@thechaplain.net or by text or voicemail to (843) 608-9715.

 

Sept 6-8 Column

Don't Tell it to the Chaplain

 

Last year I wrote a book called, "Tell It to the Chaplain." If you've seen it, then you're likely wondering why this headline makes the opposite request.

 

My title refers to certain phrases people use that cause me to jokingly reply, "Don't ever say that to a chaplain."

 

When they cock their head in search of an explanation, I tell them that I'm a retired healthcare chaplain and I may inject a totally different meaning into common sayings.

 

For instance, I once asked my photojournalism professor if he could stay after class to explain my new camera.

 

"I really can't," he said, "I'm on my way out."

 

"Please don't say that to a chaplain," I replied. "'On the way out' means you're going to meet God."

 

"No – no. I have a faculty meeting," he said. "And God's not often there." 

 

On another day, I ran breathlessly to an airline gate, only to be told by the agent, "They've already departed."

 

Ouch. Don't say that to a chaplain.

 

"Departed" describes someone who has taken flight to their celestial destination. At some point, chaplains call these folks the "dearly departed."

 

On a different occasion, my neighbors described how they moved out of the city into our forested lake community in the California foothills.

 

"It just feels like we're in a better place now," the husband blurted.

 

I winced at "a better place" since the phrase most often describes the afterlife.

 

In another example, I was walking with my friend, Roger, through a sports stadium when he abruptly stopped at a concession stand to buy a Pepsi.

 

"Keep walking," he said, "Meet me on the other side."

 

Of course, I knew he was simply asking me to meet him at our seats on the other side of the stadium.

 

But as a chaplain, he should have known that I'd make a heavenly inference that we'd not meet again until we got to the "Other Side."

 

Finally, I once stood on the banks of the Jordan River as our Israeli tour guide pointed toward the land "just beyond the river."

 

I nudged my wife and said, "I wish he wouldn't say that."

 

I started humming the refrain to Fanny Crosby's hymn, "Near the Cross."

 

In the cross, in the cross,

Be my glory ever;

Till my raptured soul shall find

Rest beyond the river."

 

Becky groaned, recognizing this as one of my favorite fragments.

 

I jest with these phrases because I love puns, but I also appreciate them as a comforting way to remember the three people I've lost in the past four years.

 

My brother, the one I called "Brotherman," died of COVID in Dec. 2020. He was so full of conspiracy theories that he wasn't contented in this world, so I really do feel a sense of comfort  knowing he's very much "in a better place."

 

And, as you know, I lost my mother last month. I thank all of you who sent me numerous messages and cards.

 

But most reassuring is how I still hear the notes of her operatic voice singing those Crosby hymns. "Near the Cross" was among her favorites, and I take consolation believing she's found her "rest beyond the river."

 

However, my most difficult loss came four years ago this month, when I lost my life-long best friend, Roger Williams. On the last day I saw him, we sat on his couch, shoulder to shoulder, the same way we'd stood for 45 years.

 

As we said our temporary goodbyes, I held his cooling hand and laid my head on his shoulder. Then, in between my sobs, I told him that I'd see him "on the other side."

 

"That's OK, Norris," he said. "It'll be all right."  Soon he was asleep. Four days later, Roger died at 63 years of age. 

 

So, sometimes all I have left to say is "See you, Mom. See you, Roger. See ya, Brotherman. I'll meet you all "in a better place," "on the other side" just "beyond the river."

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For an autographed copy of "Tell It To The Chaplain," order on my website or send a $20 check to 10566 Combie Rd. Suite 6643 Auburn, CA 95602. ($70 will get you all four books.) Email comments to comment@thechaplain.net or by text or voicemail to (843) 608-9715.